25. Trying not to 'count down' to Thursday 14th, my first chemo session.

Thursday feels like so far away, yet so near.
I am dreading it one minute and cool about it the next.
I want it to hurry up get it over with, then I want it to all go away and disappear. I'm tired.

They have moved my appointment time from 11am to 9.30am, which means I'll be out earlier in the day. Helen my macmillan nurse said I will b there about 4 hours ish in total. I have to sign consent forms for the chemo, then get prepped and start the treatment. Helen also said they will lie me down for the first one, see how I go.

I have plenty of booklets, information and bumf on the type of chemo I'm having - ABVD :
Adriamycin
Bleomycin
Vinblastin
Dacarbazine


But somehow all the written information isn't enough. I want to know now what will happen, almost as if I want to be able to prepare myself. But I won't know until it starts.
Like anything else - tablets/medication - everyone reacts differently.

Possible side effects to ABVD:

• lowered resistance to infection
• bruising or bleeding
• Anaemia
• Feeling sick and being sick
• Tiredness
• Hair loss
• Sore mouth and ulcers

Less common side effects

• Discoloured urine
• Taste changes
• Pain at the injection site or along the vein
• Allergic reaction
• Fevers and chills
• Skin changes
• Changes in nails
• Changes in the way your heart works
• Changes to the lungs

Reading these over and over makes me more aware but obviously still doesn't tell me what I will be like with the ABVD. I find this really hard. And scary.

Anthony is coming with me on Thursday and for the second one which I am so happy about. That's as far as we've planned it for the moment. Again, it's all up in the air, I don't know how I will react and so it makes it difficult to plan for me to drive myself there and back. I am trying to take it one day at a time.. but naturally, now and again, my mind races forward to what if's...