If you want to start at the beginning of my journey click on 'April' and then my first entry '1.From November 2010 until March 30th 2011.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

146. Kick his ask

I love this.


145. Swollen eyes and tiny white spots??


Since chemo 4 I have had the same problem on the last couple of days before my next session. I get very swollen eyes, this lasts all day and sticks around regardless of whatever I try to ease it. It's a mystery! It's also a bit funny because I look weird!

I also have very small, tiny, whitish/transparent spots that line my lips, mouth and chin. A few appear on my nose also. They can't be seen unless looking very closely and hard enough. So they don't bother me.

Would love to know if anyone else has experienced this with treatment... x Many thanks

144. Scribble head

Hello everyone.  I've been a little quiet this week haven't I.
Hmm.

Well tomorrow is my half way point with the chemo. My 6th session out of 12.
Everyone keeps telling me it's all good from here, counting down, and not long to go now.



I've struggled massively with being positive this week. I have felt my mood almost slipping back to how it was when I went through stress and depression last year. 

As much as I agree with everyone about the half way point and the fact there's not long to go, I am still finding it hard to be pleased about it.

 I spoke to a nurse at the hospital today when I went for my blood test. I talked to her about my anger and frustration that I am feeling. Towards myself and the situation I am in. The nurse was really good in helping me to recognise I had been comfort eating and how it might be beneficial to chat to someone about this and help me to focus on other foods and find another outlet for my feelings. Hoping to hear something about it tomorrow when I go for my chemo. Will keep you posted.
The nurse was also really good in helping me talk through the fact that this last chemo session (5) was a particularly nasty one, as I had migranes for many days, stuck in the house, fatigue and then chemo pains on top. But it doesn't necessarily mean that this next one will be the same. It sounds so simple, but it's so true. She talked to me about how having too high expectations of myself can be damaging and I need to take it easy and not be so hard on myself. I agreed, I know I do that even when I am well. It's just what I do I guess. I felt better for chatting to her and was glad I was able to open up and take what she said as being help not being personal.

Phew.

Hoping to feel more like myself soon and get back that positivity. Does it grow anywhere?

Monday 27 June 2011

143. Monday again..

The weather today has been glorious! So so hot! It was quite muggy but this evening it seems to have cooled down quite a bit and even looks like it might rain which is a shame. I love that Summery feeling of heat when my feet tingle from the warmth and all I want to do is jump in a cold pool. Bliss.
I was due to go to a support group for Lymphoma today and I was really indecisive about going. But after chatting to Anthony and texting Mum and Jenny about it, I decided to go give it a try.

However, I was to find that it just wasn't for me. I didn't click with anyone there and didn't get anything from it. I was the youngest there by about 15 - 20 years, which shouldn't matter, but in some cases I feel age does make a difference and I couldn't help but feel patronised. I know... I sound negative don't I..but I am just being honest about how I felt about it.
 I think it's important to know that things don't always run smoothly with getting support. It hasn't put me off trying other things at all, it's just that one wasn't for me. Not everything will work for everyone. And - at least I have been and tried it, so I know now.

I have a lovely long list of people online who I can turn to for support.

So - how am I doing..
Had no migranes! Feeling really tired, out of breath, I'm clumsier than normal (clumsy when hormonal) and am finding myself getting very frustrated in doing things that need a lot of concentration - or fiddly things. I start to try, but then lose my temper and get flustered. I'm all fingers and thumbs and have a big weak feeling in my arms and hands.
I've been sleeping ok, bonus. I am very uncomfortable in my own skin these past few days. I think it's hormones - but I feel very bloated and larger. I have gained weight, but this added bit just makes me feel so crap. Glad I went out today otherwise I'd have focused on the fat feeling aaaaaaaall day! HA!

I am looking forward to tomorrow, new day! Hurray! x

Saturday 25 June 2011

142. Symptoms of HL

Symptoms of Hodgkin lymphoma
The first symptom of Hodgkin lymphoma is usually a swelling of lymph nodes in the neck, armpit or groin. The swellings are usually painless, but some people may find that they ache.
Other symptoms may include any of the following:
  • drenching and/or frequent sweats – especially at night
  • unexplained high temperatures
  • weight loss
  • tiredness
  • a cough or breathlessness
  • a persistent itch all over the body.
The most common of these symptoms are high temperatures, sweating and weight loss. These are known as ‘B symptoms’. Other symptoms will depend on where in the body the enlarged lymph nodes are.
A few people with Hodgkin lymphoma have abnormal cells in their bone marrow when they are diagnosed. This can lower the number of healthy blood cells in the blood. Low numbers of healthy blood cells can cause the following symptoms:
  • breathlessness and tiredness
  • an increased risk of infections
  • excessive bleeding, such as nosebleeds, very heavy periods in women, or tiny spots of blood under the skin.
Very rarely, people with Hodgkin lymphoma may have pain in the affected lymph node when drinking alcohol.
If you, or your child, have any of the above symptoms, it’s important to have them checked by your GP. But remember, they are common to many other conditions. Most people with these symptoms will not have Hodgkin lymphoma.

141. What is Hodgkin Lymphoma?

What is lymphoma?
Hodgkin lymphoma, like all cancers, is a disease of the body’s cells.
Cells in different parts of the body work in different ways, but they all repair and reproduce themselves in the same way. Normally, this division of cells takes place in an orderly and controlled manner. However, if for some reason the process gets out of control, the cells continue to divide. This may lead to too many immature white blood cells in the blood or bone marrow. A lump or tumour may then develop in one or more groups of lymph nodes.
Lymphoma cells generally start to grow in lymph nodes. As there are lymph nodes and lymph vessels throughout the body, Hodgkin lymphoma can start in any part of the body. The most common place for it to start is in the lymph nodes in the neck. The next most common places are the lymph nodes:
  • under the arms (axilla)
  • in the chest
  • in the groin.
Hodgkin lymphoma usually affects groups of lymph nodes in one area of the body. However, the lymphoma cells can sometimes spread through the lymphatic system| to lymph nodes in other parts of the body.
Lymphoma cells can also go into the bloodstream, which may carry them to other organs. When the cells reach a new area they may go on dividing and form a new tumour. Hodgkin lymphoma can also occur in body organs. In some people it can affect the spleen, liver, lungs or bone marrow.
The treatment| of Hodgkin lymphoma is usually very successful, even when it has spread to different areas of the body. Most people can now be cured, or the lymphoma can be controlled for many years.

Friday 24 June 2011

140. Cinema to see Bridesmaids


'BRIDESMAIDS'
Anthony and I both reeeeally enjoyed it!
So funny and a really feel good film. Definitely go see it, I feel even better after seeing this!

139. I'M BAAAAACK

I love the film Independence Day.
This scene popped into my head.



Hello boys ( - CANCER) 
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

138. Wig photos :)

Feeeeeeeeeling really chuffed, I had the energy and want to mess with the wig at last! Put some make up on and had some fun!

I think me and the wig have finally bonded. I have been wearing it for nearly 2 hours!!! Longest time yet.


137. Back to colour

Feeling much stronger since getting back from the doctors.
Sat here blogging, in between watching my favourite music videos, texting/emailing amazing supportive friends - old and new. Thanks Jenny x mwah!


Being inspired and creating mental notes.


Had a really nice chat to Nicky on facebook chat this morning which helped so much. She reminded me of a few things to do with coping with HL and helped me to feel powerful again.


Speaking to people who have come through the other side of HL really helps and makes a difference.
I have a lovely fat list of contacts now and it continues to grow. Anytime I need to I can pop online and chat or message someone a question. 


If you need any help or support with HL
Go to:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/home.php?sk=group_22423098653&ap=1


they will make you feel welcome and help in any way they can xx


I feel a list making moment is about to occur.....

136. Last resort Friday

I decided when I woke up this morning to get myself to the doctors and get checked before the weekend. I had been so frustrated yesterday at the hospital.

 Our doctors surgery is a walk in clinic from 8am. I took something to eat and drink with me in my bag and some ibuprofen and paracetamol. I arrived at the surgery, parked up and found about 8 - 9 people queuing at the door. Uh. Could be here some time. I got out of the car. It always makes me chuckle to myself when I go there. You get out of the car or walk up the path and it's like everyone there in the queue is compelled to stare at you! Doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, it's simply the boredom of standing there. I always giggle to myself.
Sure enough I as I got out of the car, everyone looked up turned and stared for a moment, before putting their heads back down to their phones, books or whatever.

As I took my place in the line, I was thinking about what I was there for and what I was going to say to the doctor. How to word it, what to say. Sounds silly doesn't it... you'd think when daily life has turned to tablets, symptoms, side effects and stuff, that I would be able to word things normally like any thing else. It's like a bogged down, in a rut feeling. It can be exhausting explaining things alllllll the time.

It didn't seem to take long for 8am to arrive and soon enough someone came and opened the door and let everyone in. A rush of people moving forward, I felt so slow compared to everyone else. I felt really weak.

I wanted to see my usual doctor, but there would be a long waiting time and I couldn't face sitting there for the length of time it would take to get to my turn. So I decided to see the next available one.

The doctor that I saw, thankfully, was really good. I explained about the migrane problems all this week, the tablets I'd been given, how they'd made me feel so ill with heart palps and chest pains, even now. 
I also spoke about my frustrations to her and how being at the hospital yesterday had left me feeling so lost and like they didn't know what to do with me. She explained to me that a lot of the time, doctors in hospitals tend to be more focused on the illnesses of the patients they treat regularly and have less of a wider understanding on how to treat a range of problems. Just like if I went to her with something about chemo, she wouldn't be able to help me as much. 
 Instantly I knew that going to see her was a good thing. From just hearing this I felt like things were a bit clearer.

The doctor gave me some tablets to take daily, on a night, to stop the migranes happening. They do have side effects, like anything else, including weight gain. The doctor was really good and reminded me that the weight gain is temporary and I shouldn't let it bother me as much as I do. She talked me through the options and helped me to realise, it's better to feel well and not have migranes. I agreed and said that I need to not have the migranes, so that I can enjoy the good days. Otherwise, it's like hibernation between treatments.
 I can't have a repeat of  a week like this one if I have a choice of a tablet to stop it. It's nearly broken me.

I left the surgery feeling like making the effort to go up there so early, had really been worth it. I had medication to prevent the migranes, some other medication to take if I did get another attack but on top of that I had been comforted and had my mind put at ease.

My treat for being strong today, a McDonald's bacon roll and a hash brown.

135. The bad week.

So without further a do, let me try and record this awful week quickly and quietly. It deserves nothing more!

Monday - Migrane at 11am. Bed. Sleep. Cabin fever. Sofa. Sleep. Cabin fever. Too ill to even be uspet.

Tuesday - Migrane 10am, doctor called out. Arrived at 1.30pm. Meds not given, you don't need any. 'but if it happens again, call us.' How convenient for someone house bound. Mum come over to take me out of the house, exhausted, fed up. Felt better for seeing Mum and being somewhere else for a few hours.

Wednesday - Migrane. Called doctors at 11. Meds to be delivered to house by Boots. Van delivering at 1.30pm. I am put to top of list as priority patient on chemo. Van driver didn't turn up for work.. Meds arrive at 5pm via the Boots staff member in a taxi. Took tablet. Sleep. Woozy, heart palps, chest pains. Sleep. Anger outburst, emotional breakdown. Why me. Can't do this anymore. It's gone, why do I have to do the rest. Sick of hearing the same words. Scream. Cry. Punch the sofa. Freak Anthony out. Embarrassed myself. Hug. Cry. Bath. Candles. Cuddles. Chest pains, heart palps. Sleep. Puffy eyes.

Thursday - Puffy eyes, look like I've been boxing. Wish I had, could think of a few people who I could punch the lights out of.
No migrane! Heart palps, try to ignore. Heart palps, chest pains. Enough is enough. Dad come to collect me, take me to hospital. Arrive, flop in waiting room, out of breath. Big chest pains and palps. Out of breath from walking.
Really bad heart palps, chest pains, nurses saying they didn't realise I was so bad. Taken to a bed to lie down. Obs all ok.

The doctor explained that the tablets I had been given to help with migrane can have bad side effects, of heart palps, chest pains and heaviness in the body.
It was agreed not to take these again and just to take Ibu and Para if I get another attack. Not totally happy with this suggestion as they don't really do a lot when in the middle of a migrane attack.
I had a bloodtest whilst I was there. The nurses were all lovely and said that they hadn't had a patient suffer with migranes before on chemo. The doctor said that it isn't necessarily the chemo that is causing the migranes. So it could be stress of the chemo, the cancer, la la laaaaa.

I felt better as I got in the car with Dad, that I had been checked by the doctor. But it dawned on me that from a chemo point of view I had been checked, but from a migrane point of view, if I was to get another I would have to struggle on. I wasn't happy with this. Spoke to Dad about it on the way home and there wasn't a lot he or I could say or do about it. Very frustrating.

In the car on the way home I got another migrane.

Dad dropped me off and went back to work. I got inside and dashed for the pain killers. Anthony pulled up outside shortly after, looking so worried. He'd spoken to work and arranged to come home to take care of me. I felt so relieved to see him, to be with him felt so good. Another afternoon struggling on my own with a migrane filled me with dread.

Luckily, it was a short lived migrane and I managed to relax a little while with Anthony after some lunch. I wanted to get some rest. Curtain closed, sunglasses on, I cuddled up on the sofa with brown blanket and Zig came over and cuddled up at my feet.
I woke up feeling less heavy headed but still struggling with the heart palps and chest pains.

So that's the bad week in a nutshell.

Enjoyed last night with a meat feast pizza and The Apprentice on Sky+

DONE.

134. Blog entry de ja vu?

The moment I realised I needed to back up my blog, I felt smug.

The moment I clicked 'all' and 'delete', I felt horror.

 I deleted a few blog entries that were 'published' when I thought they were 'drafts'. Hence a little bit of info is missing from my blog!
 So apologies for some of the numbered entries being different.

I am allowed to be a bit dizzy?

Monday 20 June 2011

133. Migrane number 2

Had another migrane this morning. It started just as Louise came over to see me between her shifts.
Crap.
Got flashing lights and at one point my whole vision went. Tablets and sleep and the lights stopped but then intense pain in the head and behind eyes.
A doctor came out to see me and said that if it happens again I will need to take something to prevent it.
As a teenager I suffered badly with migranes, soon as I got to my 20's they stopped.
It's not totally clear if the chemo is triggering them or if it's body stress from dealing with everything.
Wait and see what happens.
Hoping to see the girls tomoz afternoon, fingers crossed I can keep my plan x
Off to sleep now with sunglasses on, curtains shut and radio play on in background..

Sunday 19 June 2011

132. Normality is bliss! (when you've missed it)

Since Wed, Anthony's been feeling really ill for some unknown reason. He's had an upset stomach and has had no appetite! Some people have said it could be stress and worry, others just that he's run down or a bug.
 But I am really happy to say today he's much much better! At last. Wed - Sun has felt like a total eternity! I realise just how much he keeps me going and when he's ill its like.. UH!?

We've had a great day, my mum and dad came over for an hour or so and then Anthony and I spent the evening with our own friends/family which has been a lovely way to end the weekend. Anthony got some Bro time with Chris, which always makes me so happy to see, they're twins and I just love seeing them together.
 Anthony's playing on LA Noir PS3 now and I'm enjoying a cuppa and some left over Fruitella's.

Chemo effects are there - but not strong for the meantime. I am finding that if I have chemo Wed/Thurs, that it takes until about the Tues/Wed to get the aches and then a few days after that I have been ok. But I can't stress enough how different it is everytime. When I open my trap it seems to change!!!

My hair is growing between treatments, Chris said he noticed how fluffy it is! It's funny. Gaynor said the same earlier when I met up with her Mum and Rebecca.
It's pretty patchy in places which is weird and Anthony's discovered I actually do have a birth mark! It's a red patch on skin on the back of my neck in my hair line. Would never have known it was there.

Aw, I got some lovely gifts recently too! Catherine H sent me a stunning scarf she bought me whilst on holiday, it's soo me! Also, my friend Bruce from Canada has sent me some Canadian treats and some money to make some canvas' for him. How amazing!?
I have quite a few orders for bookmarks too which I want to get started on when I feel arty inspired. Taken a bit of a lull recently with the chemo effects and my state of mind. But it will come back, it always does.

My eating is pretty good at the moment and I seem to have adjusted quite well to the weight gain. I have my ups and downs with it, accepting and not. It goes hand in hand with the rest of the treatment I guess. But I thought it was important to mention that I'm ok with it these past few days. Seeing those extra bits in certain places is like a reminder to what I am going through but then, now I have my positive scan results, I feel it's all for a known reason now and it's working. I can shift those pounds at the end and I know I have support to help me do it. Yeah, feeling good about that. And want to be brave enough to share it with you. I laugh at myself sometimes, but I guess that's just how to get through it.

I know things are going to be ok. I feel positive tonight and want to bottle it in a magic Alice -in -Wonderland- glass -bottle for the times when I don't.
The scan results are slowly sinking in and the more I read texts, messages and the listen to the words that people say to me, the more I realise I am lucky that the chemo is working and it's blasting it out.

I want to have a big party at the end of this treatment and I just can't wait to be with all the people I love xxx


Have a good week everyone. Remember what's important to you and forget the stuff that's not. xxx

Saturday 18 June 2011

131.Selection of special texts

I want to share a selection of texts I have received since getting the news about my scan.
 So I can look back and remind myself of the support I have xxx

Lucy
Horray! very very pleased for you girl :-) lots and lots of love xxx

Sophie D
Aww hunny thats fabulous news- keep going hun. So so happy for you. Love you to bits chicken xxx

Lynn
U r a very clever girl Liz Ellis. I am so so pleased to hear yr news my darlin. Wot a result. The only way is up. God bless you xxx

Hayley
Yey that's awesome, sorry you don't feel so good but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you feel better tomorrow. xxx

Anji (yoga lady)
Wa oooo. Fantastic news. Super duper body and mind fighting it off. Well done you, carry on see you on Tues x

Andy C
U little beauty..get in.. keep going Liz... you can do it.. liz 1-0 cancer... woop woop!xx

Mark J
Yey thats great news liz, I'm so happy for you!

Raf
Great news, so happy for you, this has made my day xxx :)

There were lots more texts, I would like to add them all, but I would be here for a while! The rest of the texts are in my folder on my phone, :)

Thank you to EVERYONE for ALL your support, I truly know that you are all contributing to me staying strong and keeping on fighting this.
THANK YOU x

Friday 17 June 2011

130. Recent photos

Using my new 'Barry M' nail polish - it was in the hamper from work! Amazing black polish that creates a cracked, seperated look! Much cheaper than getting minx done!




Just before going to Laura's house for birthday drinks x

I promised Kelly at work I would put a funny photo on of me with the face mask that was in the hamper. Here it is Kelly! Me being silly! :)

chill out time, zig was being very loving that day bless him x



A cookie monster variation on the book mark, - as thought of by my old school friend Jill G. Thanks hun xx Hope you like, if you want one let me know

Thursday 16 June 2011

129. 5 and PET scan results

Chemo 5, made me feel really yuk, pain and sicky feelings. Was glad to get home. Slept for a few hours and we couldn't face cooking. We got a domino's. I ate it sooo slowly, but it made me feel better. I watched the Philharmonic Orchestra on the BBC red button and it was fab. They did Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Batman. Loved it.

So...the scan results.
I had been in the day unit about an hour and half and my consultant came through to chat to me about the results. Good news she said.
We went through to the counselling room where I had first been told I had cancer. Creepy lion paintings again.

My consultant explained the first scan I had. How the tracer they inject - which is sugar/mildly radioactive -goes into the body and is shown on the scan as dark marks, where the sugar has been absorbed by the cancer cells.
(The word tumour was used for the first time in conversation today and that felt weird.)

I must have started to look puzzled or as if I was intently listening because she got some paper and a pen and drew something like that looked like this.
Excuse my Paint skills on the computer, hehe...





So, there in the first diagram you can see the black dots in my neck and chest, these are my lymph glands that have absorbed the sugar /mildly radioactive tracer. They have done this because of the cancer.
The only other place in the body that has absorbed the tracer is the kidneys and bladder, as that is where it is leaving the body. I don't have cancer there.

In the second diagram, it shows there are no glands absorbing the sugar. Which means there is a big significant change! The chemo is working. Me and the chemo are winning!  The results mean there are no active cells any more but the rest of the chemo is to make sure there are no more cells left in the body and that they cells don't change.

So, 7 more sessions of chemo and to be honest even though I am happy to have got some positive news, it's still sinking in.

 It feels like a dream, just like it did when I was first getting my head round the fact I had HL.

It's so bizarre. My trust is still a bit iffy with it all. I asked my wonderful friend Jackie about her experience with this moment.

 I met Jackie through the UK HL group on facebook. Which is so helpful and I have a lot of new friends from it.
Jackie's son had stage 4 HL, more advanced than I have. 
His 2nd PET scan was before Christmas when he had HL. His results showed that the chemo was working. Amazing news for stage 4, and a 2nd PET scan. The best Christmas present Jackie said.

It's wonderful to have such support online - Jackie has helped me make other friends too.
One special lady called Lynn who is on the bone marrow register and is going through a very tough time feeling very poorly. I chat to her a lot too and she sent me a stunning card in the post the other day. Amazing. Need to put recent photos on.... maybe tomorrow if I feel up to it.

Well, I need to post this entry and get something to drink before bedtime.
I am going to sleep feeling less sick and a bit more at ease which is good. I will still be mulling over the scan results and trying to get my head round it. Jackie says thats normal, so I feel a bit more normal about it all - not like I am being negative  - but that I am trying to process it all. Thank you Jackie! xxx Much love xx


Wednesday 15 June 2011

128. Chemo 5 tomorrow

Best day of the week so far today. Usually is the day before the next chemo session. Grr!
Went to see my friend Angi today, we know each other through work. She has recently had some surgery so I took her some flowers and chocs. It was great to catch up.

I got home and did some cleaning - nice to get the house straight before hospital, so when I feel rubbish I can relax knowing it's done. I did 2 loads of washing and then it rained. Some of it had dried before so that was ok.
Jean A. came over for coffee later, it was good to see her, we hadn't seen each other for a long while, so it was the first time I'd seen her since I had been diagnosed. I know Jean from my first job at Hawksworth CE Primary School. It was great to hear how things are going there and to be invited to the leavers assembly. The boy I supported as a Learning Support Assistant leaves this time for high school. So it will be nice to go and see him and all the class do their assembly. Fingers crossed I'll be well enough.

Diane, from the Day Unit, called to say my chemo could be moved earlier to 10am if I wanted, so that's good. Anthony's got the day off to take me. He's on site in Manchester on Friday, so he'll be able to rest a bit before then too.

Feeling really sleepy, Anthony's at Paul's.. think I am gonna go and have a bath and use some products from work! Exciting. :)

Will hopefully blog tomorrow about chemo session, when I can.
Fingers crossed all goes well for another good smooth session!
Then I'll be one step closer...

Monday 13 June 2011

127. blog stats

Blog statistics:

page views yesterday - 35
page views today - 244 and counting! woah...

THANK YOU!
xxx

126. Test and scan

Tomorrow I have a blood test for before chemo 5 on Thursday. After that I have to go for my PET scan. They are scanning me to see how the cancer has reacted to the chemo so far.
I feel ok about the scan as I have had one before. It's that one where I'll be mildly radioactive like Mr Burn's off the Simpson's. I'll have to have an injection and rest for 45mins and then have the scan which takes 30 mins. BORING!

It's getting the results I'll be nervous about. Hearing how the scan looks and what they can see and if the results mean more round of chemo. What will happen and how will this affect me. I am due to have 12 sessions of chemo in total. It'd be great if they could say to me, 12 is all you will be having. No more. I hope that's the outcome.

Anthony's Grandma phoned up tonight, she was so sweet and totally understood what I was saying about the way I have been feeling today. I said to her how I felt alone, but I didn't want company. She was like, oh of course, some days you just want to curl up in a ball on your own and make it all go away. To hear someone who could say something so understanding like that meant so much. When you feel unwell emotionally or physically, sometimes it seems some people think you should be able to just snap out of it or put a brave face on and also I feel that pressure, like i have to keep that Liz strength going and be the bubbly person I normally am. But honestly, believe me, it's just not that easy sometimes and the thought of company freaks you out if you're not prepared.

It's beginning to become very clear just how many issues dealing with cancer brings up. Socially, emotionally, physically, financially, mentally.

It's a balancing act far tougher than I thought it would be...
.....Good job I have so many wonderful people around me to keep me going xxx

125. Monday Monday Mondayyy

I'm afraid to say that today has been pretty awful.
Emotions all over the place...
Woke up happy, got up with Anthony as I was wide awake.
Had breakfast and a coffee and thought about the day ahead and the choice of things I had to do. Things felt good.

As the morning went on, it was like a fog of self doubt, anger and emptiness set in. Rain poured down outside and I just felt completely flat.

I felt so alone.
I wasn't enthusiastic about anything. I paced the house looking for inspiration. Nothing.

Physically I felt really good. My body didnt ache, at all. My mouth sores were clearing up a bit. I had slept well. Yet emotionally I wasn't free or happy to enjoy it? I would have thought that the good physical signs would be enough to set me free? Why wasn't I satisfied? 
 So cross with myself for feeling that way and there wasn't anything I could do to shake it.
I sat trying to sketch some pictures for canvas, wasn't happening, my passion wasn't there. I was too angry.
I thought about contacting friends, who'd want to see me like this?
Zig kept coming in and out the cat flap and amusing me with his loving nudges and walking over the laptop as I typed messages to an old school friend, Alexis.
My emotions lifted a bit after chatting to Alexis and she helped me to remember a few things. It's incredible what you forget when you are so consumed by the emotions of dealing with this.
I went upstairs and spotted the hamper from work. I decided to go through all the stuff and give it a home in my drawers. I went through it all and put the basket in the bathroom, it looks really nice. This made me feel a bit better. I'm a sorter and I like to have things in order. I got the duster and polish and did a bit of cleaning. That helped too.

Soon enough, Anthony arrived home. His big comforting smile greeting me from the front door as I looked down the stairs from the bathroom.
He came up and hugged me.
Not a good day I said.
He hugged me - it's ok to have a bad day you know babes he said. 
I silently cried. Just a release.

We went downstairs together and chatted about his day, bits of my day and then had a giggle. I just wanted to be held and we cuddled for a long time. I felt so much better. I was actually smiling.
I made us a roast beef dinner and we watched a really good programme recorded from last week - Our War on BBC Three. Very moving and very well made programme. Anthony loved watching it, I can tell when he does love something a lot, he goes back and repeats little bits. He does that with films we watch together. I love it when he does that.
He just lit me some incense and brought me my chilled eye mask. How amazing is that?
Love love love love love him.

The sun is shining this evening. Funny how the weather and my mood matched today.

New day tomorrow... x

124. for smiles.




Saturday 11 June 2011

123. Inspired...

At work today, Michael said to me...
'You have inspired people'.

I smiled and tried not to fill up with tears.

It's hard to get my head round that.
I fill up with emotion when I think about it or hear it. I don't quite know what else to say.. :')
I look back at the day I was diagnosed. I go to the blog archive and see where I was and how I felt those 3 months ago.

I am so happy I started this blog.

It's so powerful.

I want to thank those people for sharing their stories with me and being so brave to take steps and to let inspiration flow.


Thank you Michael.

Friday 10 June 2011

122. Visit to work

I work as an outreach worker for West Oaks School which is the NE Specialist Inclusive Learning Centre.
The last time I was in work was just after I had been diagnosed. I was still in shock about the whole thing. I remember sitting there talking about it all, being positive but not fully understanding what I was about to undertake. I remember saying it felt like parrot fashion, repeating word for word and phrases from all the bumf that I was given to read. But it had no meaning or representation for me. Everyone was so supportive and I remember leaving work that day comforted and supported.

I had planned to go into work to see everyone, catch up and feel part of somewhere again. Work is such a big part of life and when you're not there, you realise your talent is being used fully.
Last time I planned to go in, I ended up just not being strong enough.
On Thursday I thought about going into work and contacted Lisa, explaining how I was feeling strong and hoped to bob in to see everyone. I also said I would need to see on the day, but that was my plan. It felt better this way for me, less pressure over longer period of time and if I didn't feel well enough I would be able to say so.

I'd been up at 4.30am, wide awake. I got up and made a brew. I've realised lying there and just being frustrated, trying to fall back to sleep, doesn't work for me. I just need to get up, do something, and try go back to bed after that. I opened the back door. The fresh cool air hit me and made me feel so lovely. I took some tinned peaches from the cupboard and slopped them into a bowl. I was hungry, that's why I couldn't sleep. Brew in hand, bowl of peaches, I walked to the back step. I put my bare feet down on the concrete. Very cold. But nice. Refreshing. I sat down and tucked in. Ziggy was with me. He sat on the lawn blinking and waking up. Stretching and yawning. He kept moving about and checking on me, inspecting where I was sat and making sure I was ok. It was funny behaviour, not seen him like that before. He even went to check the living room when he heard a noise from there. He convinced me someone was there, freaky. There wasn't but ya know.

As I ate, I heard the blackbirds, wood pigeons, even an owl. That was a noisy owl! It was stunniing. Such beauty.
The sky was pink on the horizon and blue all around. No other sounds just birds. I took deep breaths of fresh air and nothing else existed. My cancer wasn't there for that moment. Just happiness. Pure.
I sat there until my bum was cold from the step. My feet were pretty cold too. Probably blue, but I didn't care.

Ziggy looked so disappointed when I closed the door, it was daylight, so I left him to wander about for the morning. I went back to bed and my feet were tingling under the warmth of the duvet. I picked up my yoga book to read. Eyes closing after the first page. Bliss.

I got up about half 8. Felt better after some more sleep. I felt excited to see people at work. I did that thing where you play conversations in your head. I thought, should I wear a headscarf. Or my wig. Neither felt right. I'll go as I am I thought. I feel comfortable this way.
I set off. This was weird. My drive to work. Funny how you notice things have changed on your drive to work after not doing it for so long?! Oooh that's changed. And that.
Still got the idiot drivers on the way there. That hadn't changed, much to my disappointment. I watched one driver in front of me throw baby wipes out of his window, about 3 or 4 times he did it. Idiot. Someone else was doing 25 in a 40. Proper wound me up. HELLO?!
Anyway, I could go off on a huge road rage tangent, but I won't!!

I picked up some comfort M+S food for lunch, I really like their pesto pasta salad with parmesan. Hmm. And a chunk of lemon drizzle cake. Umm.

I got to the gates. The car park was packed. Hadn't been for so long, it felt wierd. :) I had jelly legs. But I was excited.
I pulled up and could see Ruth and Michael through the window, I think they thought I was gonna drive through the window. haha.
I walked in and then surprised myself when I remembered the code for the door and put it in automatically without really noticing.

It felt so so good to see everyone! Zoe and Lisa who are from the Pupil Development Centre team that I am part of, looked so happy to see me, big cuddles and lots of smiling. It was special. I enjoyed it all. I sat chattering away between eating. Trying to get round everyone!
The staff room felt so warm, with so many people in it. I got red rosy cheeks.
I was then surprised with a stunning basket of pampering treats!! Everyone had contributed to it! How thoughtful! There are so many things in there that I usually buy, but haven't for a while, so that makes it ultra specially special. And I will love choosing from it all and making time for pampering. Baths and pampering is the main way I deal with my illness and it helps me to relax and feel calm.

Thank you so much, West Oaks Team xxx

 It is amazing, take a look at the photos! I had to lay everything out and then I had fun putting it all back in, except it didn't all fit the way it had been put in originally, haha.. but anyway... Hope I got everything in shot! There's a lot isn't there? How generous xx




I left feeling so lucky and thought of. Everyone kept complimenting me and wishing me well. It just gave me such a boost. I am so glad I went in today. It will see me through the weekend, I am sure of it.

Ending the day feeling loved. Night night xxxx










121. Another passion; photography...

As well as making things, I love to take photos.
A few years ago my Dad helped me to find a really good camera (Panasonic Lumix) and ever since I have been snapping away and developed quite a collection of photos. Since being diagnosed I haven't picked up my camera much, but the other day I took those ones of my garden and it made me so happy! I decided I need to do it more often.

Thursday evening... I could feel the old cabin fever setting in again. Anthony was shattered but said he could take me out somewhere. He's very understanding and knows I get cranky after so long in the house! Sometimes I need to get the balance right though and have to understand that he's been at work all day. It's tough when I can't take myself out as I don't have the energy to do it. So I do get frustrated at times, mainly with myself and the situation.

It was so nice to sit back and relax and take in the sights. 
Even though we didn't go very far for very long, I felt like I'd been out all day.
I had the happiness inside me that felt like I was a kid again. Playing out all day until dark, feeling the fresh air on my skin and in my body. It was like a magic wand.
I wanted to share with you some of the photos I took...













I'm really happy with these photos :)
Hope you like xx comments welcome as always

Thursday 9 June 2011

120. Lymphoma Association support group

I have recently made friends with a lovely lady called Roz - who also has a blog about Hodgkin's. She suggested to search for a Lymphoma Association support group. I did and I found one straight away at Leeds (thanks Roz) that meets every month at the Robert Ogden Macmillan Cancer Centre at St James'. I called one number but there was no answer. I tried a different one and spoke to an elderly gentleman - he said they meet every last Monday in each month. He said I would be welcome. He was sweet and said he hoped I don't feel too down with the chemo. Bless him. He said it made him feel very down and low. I wished him well and said I would look forward to meeting him in a couple of weeks.
My phone rang, it was the lady on the phone number I had tried first. She was friendly and asked me how long I had had HL. I explained my situation to her.
She replied with her experience. She explained she has had it since 2008 and hadn't had any treatment - 'I'm waiting and seeing.' I wasn't quite sure what to say. Am I naive to think that everyone would get treated? I dunno. All sorts of thoughts.. Maybe she has other health issues that would make it so she has or wants to wait, or life choices she wants to have the option of with out chemo. I guess I will find out when I meet her. I am really intrigued to know more. It will be really interesting to meet some other people with similar/same conditions. Fingers crossed I'll be well to go. June 27th, I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday 8 June 2011

119. Sleep, Yoga and me

Hello - feeling a lot less achy and tired today. Managed to sleep well - fresh bedding helped.
Had peaches, prunes and muller rice for breakfast with a coffee.
I have discovered my eating varies quite a lot in this first week after chemo. Particularly with the steroids. Today I had a big lunch of pasta, tuna and salad. I haven't eaten since and that was 1pm ish. Normally I am looking for the next thing around this time and I'm managing with just a cuppa for now.
We have plans to go to Tom and Soph's for tea tonight. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and having some reality!
 Like last night, I needed to get out last night. Chris had visited us, we'd had a relaxed evening after some food together. As time went on in the evening I felt more and more trapped and Anthony came with me to go for a walk round the block, which really helped. It was nice, as we haven't been that way for a walk since we moved and we saw our street from a totally different view. Felt good. We were out for less than 15 mins but it was enough for me get some summer air and smell the trees and leaves. Made me feel alive! As you know I love nature...

**************************************************

Back in January this year I was searching around for some yoga classes and found a lady in the Rodley area who's classes sounded perfect at what I was looking for. I emailed her and planned to attend a class on a Monday night. One thing started happening after the other, I got flu and couldn't go, then we moved house, and then I got diagnosed with Cancer. I never actually got to meet her or experience my first yoga class. The other week when I was on here wingeing about my body and feelings about exercise, I decided to do something pro active and contacted Anji again. I explained why I hadn't been in touch and that I had been diagnosed with HL and how I wanted to do something light in between treatments to boost my mobility and confidence. I asked her when her classes were on and what times in the day she did. Maybe going to them would help me get out and do something active?

This is the reply I got...

Hiya Liz,

I am really sorry to hear that you have Hodgkin's Lymphoma, you sound like you are maintaining some control & positivity which is really helpful. Keep visualising those cancer cells being flushed away each time you run water or see them being hovered up.
With regards to a yoga practice I would love to come work with you one to one for what I'd charge for a class which is only £6.50. Just a hour a every other week. Half hour of stretches to help keep on top of your mobility. 10 mins breathing practice to give your mind some tools to use when it's feeling stressed / bored in those MRI machines etc & 20 mins deep relaxation. I will leave you some relaxation cds & a gentle exercise cd which you can use at other times.

I would be able to come to you on a Wednesday morning 10.30 til 11.30 the week you dont have treatment.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Warmest Regards,
Anji. x


No way, what so ever, did I expect to get such a positive, helpful, encouraging reply! I felt so happy! I called her and arranged our first session. I thanked her for being so kind and generous when she didn't even know me. She said it wasn't a problem and that good things come back to us all if we give it out. She said it in such a natural way that made me feel at ease and comfortable.

Anji arrived this morning and I was very impressed. We did all the things she suggested and she left me some exercises to do with accompanying cd's. She also leant me one of her books which looks like interesting reading. I am looking forward to doing them soon when I have good days. I am open to new things and am particularly interested in spirituality and relaxation, so this is perfect for me.
I spent the rest of the day feeling in control and relaxed and overall pretty amazing! Looking forward to the next one. I love to try new things....




Today I spoke to my consultant. I made a complaint about the awful doctor I had seen and she explained how they were already having problems with that particular person. I felt like it wasn't just me being sensitive. My consultant said that I would be scanned in the next week to see how the cells have reacted. Also that they are going to try not to give my any more GCSF unless it's totally necessary. Fingers crossed I don't have to have it eh!? It was really good to speak to her about it all and I don't feel as in the dark as I did. Phew!

Tuesday 7 June 2011

118. Pooped!

Feeling so tired today! Normally up early with Anthony before work and awake keeping myself busy. Instead this morning I stayed in bed, fast asleep, dreaming random wierd things. The radio was still on, so my dreams were all about Chris Moyles etc. Bizarre.
I won't be on here long today, I am yawning my head off and can't keep my eyes open!

Had a good day yest, went to Cancer Support for some reflexology and it was very relaxing and helped a lot. Later I went to see Fee and she cut my wig for me. It has a lot more shape to it now and a versatile fringe. Will get some pics.
Had a snooze in the afternoon, was tired from going places.

I don't think I have mentioned about my weekend? I said how Tom and Soph were bobbing over to see me. We had a really lovely time and chilled out watching a film. It was great to be together and catch up.
Sunday, I went to Hattie's birthday party at Keighley and had a gorrrrgeous time! Went back to Becky's for a coffee, ended up staying, having the best nap and then woke up to some delicious food! Aw yum! Could eat that now! haha! Just demolished 2 bowls of cereal.

Right, my body's telling me to go rest now. Have so much more I want to type and say but my arms/hands won't let me! x speak soon

117. Camera shots

I went to see Fee yesterday, to get my NHS wig cut.
It looks so much better, thanks hun. I need to experiment with it and take some pics! Fee was commenting on my photography - and it spurred me on to dig out my camera and snap some shots :)
<>

Foxgloves...

Cuckoo spittle bug... or frog hopper

Hydrangea