The last time I was in work was just after I had been diagnosed. I was still in shock about the whole thing. I remember sitting there talking about it all, being positive but not fully understanding what I was about to undertake. I remember saying it felt like parrot fashion, repeating word for word and phrases from all the bumf that I was given to read. But it had no meaning or representation for me. Everyone was so supportive and I remember leaving work that day comforted and supported.
I had planned to go into work to see everyone, catch up and feel part of somewhere again. Work is such a big part of life and when you're not there, you realise your talent is being used fully.
Last time I planned to go in, I ended up just not being strong enough.
On Thursday I thought about going into work and contacted Lisa, explaining how I was feeling strong and hoped to bob in to see everyone. I also said I would need to see on the day, but that was my plan. It felt better this way for me, less pressure over longer period of time and if I didn't feel well enough I would be able to say so.
I'd been up at 4.30am, wide awake. I got up and made a brew. I've realised lying there and just being frustrated, trying to fall back to sleep, doesn't work for me. I just need to get up, do something, and try go back to bed after that. I opened the back door. The fresh cool air hit me and made me feel so lovely. I took some tinned peaches from the cupboard and slopped them into a bowl. I was hungry, that's why I couldn't sleep. Brew in hand, bowl of peaches, I walked to the back step. I put my bare feet down on the concrete. Very cold. But nice. Refreshing. I sat down and tucked in. Ziggy was with me. He sat on the lawn blinking and waking up. Stretching and yawning. He kept moving about and checking on me, inspecting where I was sat and making sure I was ok. It was funny behaviour, not seen him like that before. He even went to check the living room when he heard a noise from there. He convinced me someone was there, freaky. There wasn't but ya know.
As I ate, I heard the blackbirds, wood pigeons, even an owl. That was a noisy owl! It was stunniing. Such beauty.
The sky was pink on the horizon and blue all around. No other sounds just birds. I took deep breaths of fresh air and nothing else existed. My cancer wasn't there for that moment. Just happiness. Pure.
I sat there until my bum was cold from the step. My feet were pretty cold too. Probably blue, but I didn't care.
Ziggy looked so disappointed when I closed the door, it was daylight, so I left him to wander about for the morning. I went back to bed and my feet were tingling under the warmth of the duvet. I picked up my yoga book to read. Eyes closing after the first page. Bliss.
I got up about half 8. Felt better after some more sleep. I felt excited to see people at work. I did that thing where you play conversations in your head. I thought, should I wear a headscarf. Or my wig. Neither felt right. I'll go as I am I thought. I feel comfortable this way.
I set off. This was weird. My drive to work. Funny how you notice things have changed on your drive to work after not doing it for so long?! Oooh that's changed. And that.
Still got the idiot drivers on the way there. That hadn't changed, much to my disappointment. I watched one driver in front of me throw baby wipes out of his window, about 3 or 4 times he did it. Idiot. Someone else was doing 25 in a 40. Proper wound me up. HELLO?!
Anyway, I could go off on a huge road rage tangent, but I won't!!
I picked up some comfort M+S food for lunch, I really like their pesto pasta salad with parmesan. Hmm. And a chunk of lemon drizzle cake. Umm.
I got to the gates. The car park was packed. Hadn't been for so long, it felt wierd. :) I had jelly legs. But I was excited.
I pulled up and could see Ruth and Michael through the window, I think they thought I was gonna drive through the window. haha.
I walked in and then surprised myself when I remembered the code for the door and put it in automatically without really noticing.
It felt so so good to see everyone! Zoe and Lisa who are from the Pupil Development Centre team that I am part of, looked so happy to see me, big cuddles and lots of smiling. It was special. I enjoyed it all. I sat chattering away between eating. Trying to get round everyone!
The staff room felt so warm, with so many people in it. I got red rosy cheeks.
The staff room felt so warm, with so many people in it. I got red rosy cheeks.
I was then surprised with a stunning basket of pampering treats!! Everyone had contributed to it! How thoughtful! There are so many things in there that I usually buy, but haven't for a while, so that makes it ultra specially special. And I will love choosing from it all and making time for pampering. Baths and pampering is the main way I deal with my illness and it helps me to relax and feel calm.
Thank you so much, West Oaks Team xxx
It is amazing, take a look at the photos! I had to lay everything out and then I had fun putting it all back in, except it didn't all fit the way it had been put in originally, haha.. but anyway... Hope I got everything in shot! There's a lot isn't there? How generous xx
Ending the day feeling loved. Night night xxxx
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