Blood test went ok this morning, I was really brave! Took deep breaths through the whole thing, natural deep breaths and managed it without flinching or feeling scared! Really proud of myself.
I left the hospital before my actual appointment time had started, so was pleased I'd had a quick visit. Plus the pay and display machine was out of order so I didn't have to pay anything! Bonus.
I came home after taking some trousers back to Sainsbury's, they were just that little bit too tight, a sign I have put a little bit of weight on with the chemo drugs, but am not focusing on that too much as it gets me down and I get embarrassed. I don't mind being honest about it on here, but it's not something I wish to go on about.
Everything was going so well. I don't know what happened. I came home. Sat down with a drink and put some tv on. My energy and mood just changed completely and I have no idea why. I started to feel angry, annoyed, mulled over a few things which had aggravated me in the past and started over analysing things.
Negative thoughts creeping in and taking over. Sophie came over and I wasn't the nicest I could have been. I feel terrible about it.
I apologised for being a bit off and she said I was being fine and I had no need to worry or say that. We chatted for the rest of her visit and everything was ok, it was lovely to catch up. But I still feel bad about it.
I'll text her later.
Then Helen T rang and we chatted. Helen is a close family friend and I have grown up knowing her.
I got a few things off my chest, she could tell I wasn't feeling quite right. I said I felt bad for being in a mood. Helen said the same as what I had started to think.., she said, it could be because I know what is going to happen tomorrow and I know what is in store. She said it's ok to have my down days and tell people I'm not in a good mood. I know she's right. It's just not like me and when I do this I feel guilty. But Helen also explained it's better to be honest and say. If I was putting an act on and saying I was ok when I wasnt people would get worried.
I feel a lot better after chatting to Helen.
Anthony went back to work today after 11 days off - so that feels different today.
*sigh* My hair loss is really annoying me today too, which is adding to my being irritable and moody.
I need to cheer up and sort myself pronto! :(
*sigh*
2 comments:
Lovely lovely lady, you are doing amazingly! You are SO more than entitled to the odd moody day. Try not to be so hard on yourself love, you'll be back to yourself in no time! You're doing great! :) xxx
love you han. miss you x
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