215. Improved

ginger beer
mini cheddar bites
swizzle matlow chews
haribo pontefract cakes
lions liquorice gums
meat feast pizza

cheered me up. I managed to get out and drive this afternoon, felt weird at first. I drove to Morrisons. I slowly walked to find a small trolley. I couldnt find one anywhere a first, they'd all gone. I ended up having to go out of my way to find one. Usually in the fast paced world I have I would dash around and struggle with an over brimming had basket or just bundle everything in my arms. But feeling as slow and tired as I did, I wanted to feel normal and do something real, so I just walked at my own pace and sauntered to the other trolley park round the other side of the entrance. Watching other people rushing by about their business, seeing children with parents, families,... I felt so disjointed from the world. An old man took a double take at me as I walked towards him. That happens. It doesnt bother me.I just smile at them. I smile at most people who catch my eye to be honest. It's just something I've always done. When you get one back it's lovely.
 I'd go as far to say that I feel proud of my shaved head. It's a fact that it's happened and I haven't really wanted to cover it or hide it. I have a few times, like with my head scarves - but this is sometimes to make others feel less awkward, not me, because I don't. Wigs just haven't done it for me either. Nice to try on, wear for an evening or a bit, but I couldn't keep one on for a full day. Itch.

Got music channels on tv at the moment and eating liquorice. It helps my tummy a lot.
Watching all the latest videos and where they're set, all the people dancing, looking happy. I know it's just a music video, but I want to feel that free. I feel entwined with 'being ill' and my body being battered from the effects of chemo.
I was having a bath last night and chatting to mum. I was out of it a bit with pain, but I remember saying how I want my body back. She comforted me and told me it would come back and I would get there. I have accepted the changes, yes, I have, I have adjusted to that and accepted it. But it doesnt mean I am happy and want to keep this pot belly, chunky bum, podgy thighs and heavy body. I am saying this because it's how I feel about what the drugs have done. It's for my records, not for any other reason. I need to remember this.

I want to have that feeling in my bones and muscles that I have exercised and feel the blood around my body working. .
To put my trainers on and to feel free to walk or jog.
To buy an outfit that makes me feel sexy and have my hair back. To feel the wind in my hair. To go out with my friends dancing and to really have a laugh.
To be asked how I am and for it not to be about cancer or chemo.
To go SWIMMING. Oh now that is one. I miss swimming so much. Too many germs at the moment, too risky.
To be me and not have so many hang ups like I did before cancer.

I got caught in a beautiful rain shower with a vanilla sky earlier. It was so pretty. I could feel autumn in the air.