317. Woah

For the first time I have properly gone back to the beginning and read some of my blog entries.
I was keen to go back and look at them, after I received a lovely email from Joel, someone who was in the same form as me at Benton Park School (secondary).
His words were so kind and friendly and made me realise and remember a lot of things I have forgotten or just accepted as present and correct.

Sometimes it takes a message like Joel's to make you stop and think a moment.
I have been guilty of giving myself a hard time these past few days (nothing new there then) and today I have bombarded my own facebook page with updates of hopelessness. My friends/support network have absolutely shone through for me and sent me messages of reminders which have also helped, just like Joel's email did. The power these messages and kind words have is incredible.

I know I am going to need some help to talk everything through in the up and coming months ahead of me. I have requested a psychologist and eventually I managed (after being brushed off by a consultant who told me I'd feel better once I got my scan, her words: 'Can we just wait?')  to get my Macmillan nurse to put a referral through now to get the ball rolling as there will be a waiting list. Sorry, but even if it is a good outcome in the scan, which the consultant says she expects it will be, I really don't feel in my mind that a good scan result will be the be all and end all of sorting out the crap in my head and all the emotional turmoil I have been through. I can feel myself slipping and I just want to make sure I am doing everything I can to help myself.

I am in a dwelling-on -things phase at the moment. I know it will pass. I will 'bounce back' ( just like Alan Partridge..! ) and become confident again.

Pam brought round some fab CD's for me today. I am going to drift off to the Mike Oldfield CD tonight. I also downloaded some relaxation stuff from the Haven website Lucy told me about.

Well, my eyes are shutting, it's time for bed me thinks. Got a nice afternoon planned tomorrow, should be feeling ok to go. night xx