Emotions when dealing with something like this are just all over the place. I was so happy feeling physically better today. I managed to do jobs in the house and go the libray and cook a roast dinner! How good am I?
But then this evening, about an hour ago, from absolutely nowhere I was angry and just sat motionless, clueless, confused. Silence. Thoughts all over the place.
Anthony asked me what was wrong and all I could say was 'everything'. I couldn't pin it to just one thing. More than a handful of changes to realise. Realisation of the things I have been through and what I have done or has been done to me. Shock. Disbelief.
That hopeless feeling had returned. Hopeless feeling YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.
I was angry but it quickly turned to sadness and cried my head off into Anthony's hug.
I feel better now for crying. Silence now isn't as deafening.
It's totally rollercoaster-ish. You can physically feel hurrendous and emotionally not too bad. Then it completely switches and your body improves but your mind needs time to heal and catch up with the rest of you.
Coming back from this isn't straight forward and it's a new thing I need to learn, just like learning about chemo and it's effects and how I would react. I am learning all about recovery and how I need to be patient and expect there to be bumps in the road just like anything else.
I am thinking about my friend Lynn Hale a lot at the moment, I met Lynn online and we support each other ever such a lot. She's in hospital tonight and I know she's been in such a lot of pain.
I am also thinking about Sarajane and Lucy lots too. Hoping their effects aren't being too mean this time round. Lots of hugs xxx
As you can see I dont stop thinking. Hoping... wishing. That's just me.
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