I find this bit of the journey really hard to write about. To make sense of my feelings, emotions and behaviour is so difficult. When I was writing about physical pain that seemed a lot more simple and less scary to write about.
I feel like I am in shock by everything that's happened.
The trauma of chemo feels like it's going to take some getting over.
Bearing in mind it is a mere 9 weeks since my last chemo. 6-7 of those weeks I had chemo side effects that were still present and making me feel like death.
So it feels really hard to know what to say back when I hear the following...
.....you should be back to work in no time then
*Clicks fingers...**Bounces out of chair*
*Takes tablets to boost confidence, self esteem, immune system, energy levels, breathlessness*
*Picks up life where left off*
*Injects happy emotions*
*Plays fanfare*
The truth is, I honestly believed recovering from chemo wouldn't be this hard. How ridiculous. I wanted to be back to normal just after Christmas, but the consultant I see didn't agree with this in her experience of seeing patients return to work too quickly.
But I guess until you get here, there is no way at all of understanding the real impact of it all on the body mind and soul. And everyone is different...
The frustrations, the impatience. The not knowing how long it's going to take.
Listening to the body and ignoring the mind. Vice versa.
It is such a long road. With no time scales I can give people....
If I rush I will set myself back, but it's that fine line between rushing and sitting back. Balancing it all and gaining a sense of reality.
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