If you want to start at the beginning of my journey click on 'April' and then my first entry '1.From November 2010 until March 30th 2011.

Saturday 3 December 2011

340. The inevitable ups and downs




Good days and bad days, ups and downs.. everyone has them don't they.
Turns out after cancer they are very very up and very very down.

Some days I'm celebrating being able to do more things, seeing my eyebrows growing back, feeling really good. Other days I am sat, just not with it at all. Thoughts and feelings overwhelm me and become like a fog that I can never see through. The other day my heart literally ached. The shock of what I have been through, counting each week as it goes by, every Thursday, thinking, __ weeks ago I was in my last chemo....
Yes I have come a long way, I have won the battle, but the wounds are still healing and will be for a while yet.

 'But it's over now' doesn't feel like a relief. Some reading this might sit and think, she's being so negative.. I know it sounds like that, but my body, brain, emotions and feelings are still recovering and like my friend Pam said, after cancer, there's not a switch you can flick and everything will be ok. Which totally hits the nail on the head. I have to be honest here and say that the people that 'get it' are still there for me. The real friends are still in touch, still texting and calling to see I am ok. Understanding the bad days and cheering the good days. Not judging me or trying to push me in any direction. It can't be easy supporting someone through such a tough journey.

I heard something on Radio 2 the other day, it was a woman who was talking about losing a loved one (in her case it was her little boy) and how she has found that people don't know what to say. Some friends completely avoided her, crossed the street, as they obviously didn't know what to say or do. Her response to that was, '...sometimes a hug is good enough.' I would agree with that, for this feeling I have. It is like a bereavement. A loss of the last 8 months of my life, the things I planned, where I was in my life was a really good, content place. I had got over so many hurdles and found a place I felt happy. I had built up my confidence again and learnt to cope much better with the stresses. To then have it all taken away and knocked down by cancer and new batch of challenges - physically, emotionally and psychologicaly. All to cope with, all to deal with and then the fight against cancer and the chemo at the time and the effects during and at the end of it all. One big maze! I don't expect people to all have the same knowledge of how to support me through this, that would be really short sighted and arrogant. But sometimes there are just those days where I am struggling, which is why I spoke up on my facebook page the other day. At that time, I couldn't face anyone or anything.. my emotions were in a mess and I felt like I wasn't here. I just wanted to 'feel' again, I just felt so numb, I couldn't even cry even though I wanted to, to get it out.

The support I got from everyone online was amazing and so genuine. I am so so happy I created this blog. I've linked up with so many people who understand and support me. People who are fighting cancer, an illness, people who have had a loved one who has fought, won or lost. People who I knew at school who have got in touch after reading my blog to say my writing has helped them. I plan to meet as many people as I can, when I can.

I would recommend writing a blog to everyone! You don't have to share it with the world. You can keep it private, like a diary. I feel better this morning for writing this entry!
I am so glad I took the decision to share my journey, it's one of the things that has got me through and helped me.

xxx much love

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