19. A week later, sunshine and sleepy

It's been a week since I found out I have cancer. It feels like so much longer than that to be honest. The amount of things I have had to take in, find out about, decide etc, makes it feel like longer.

I found out that someone I went to school with, Matt Taylor, had signed up to do the Great North Run for Cancer Support Bradford & Airedale (where I go for complementary therapies and get support) on the same day that I was diagnosed. Weird. Matt got in touch and mentioned this to me. I am going to sponsor him and we hope to meet up sometime soon for a brew.

I have found the last couple days really hard going. I am exhausted, then have short bursts of energy, then nothing again. I am finding that mornings are good and then just after midday I am running low on energy. I've also had interrupted sleep with scary shocks. I wake up struggling to breathe. It's like a strangled feeling. I'm gasping to breathe and wheezing. This has happened a few times this last week. And has happened in the last 6 months or so. It only lasts about a minute but it's really scary and obviously wakes Anthony up and scares him too. He holds me and comforts me until it passes and I get my breath back. My Macmillan nurse Helen J said that she thinks it could be the swollen lymph nodes in my chest pushing down on my windpipe when I am laid down. This doesnt happen in the daytime at all so isn't necessarily linked to a panic attack.

My appetite isn't what it normally is this week. I am going longer without food. Just not fancying much but then because I havent eaten for a while, I get hungry all of a sudden and eat too much then get indigestion. Everything feels out of sync.

Helen T came round to see me at 11am. She brought Costa cappuccinos and tiffin. Delish! I also got some beautiful gifts, see below. Thank you so much Helen, love you to bits xx

We had a really nice catch up and I showed her round the house as it is the first time she's seen it. I felt really proud and Helen loved it.

I was so sleepy this afternoon, I took out my new 'The Range' chair from the shed and had a lovely sunshine snooze. The birds were singing and Ziggy was close by. He senses something isn't right at the moment. But he enjoys me being at home. He loves to potter about with me. And meows away at me when I natter to him. I know, bit of a crazy cat lady eh... ?

My Grandma (my Mum's mum) sent me this pinky white Hydrangea. I potted it up and it seems to be happy there for now. Hope it will for a while, I don't seem to do very well with plants! I can grow sunflowers and other seeds but my 'green fingered-ness' seems to end there.

Later this afternoon my energy picked up a bit and Laura came to take me out for an hour or so. We went to get some art and crafty things, was lovely to have a look and help her spend some money.

I am starting to get a bit nervous about Friday.

My bone marrow test. I've got to have a needle into my hip bone. I will have a local anaesthetic and Anthony is coming with me thankfully.

I want to be really brave about the needle and want to be able to control my breathing and relaxation like the hypnotherapist showed me yesterday.

I will find out my CT and PET scan results on Friday too.

There is a delish smell in our house at the moment. I bought some yankee candle tarts. They are a candle wax consistency and can be broken into small pieces and placed in an oil burner. The creamy caramel one is gorgeous. It doesn't need to be left on for long otherwise it can get a bit sickly. But if you want a nice smell in the house they are really good at their job. I prefer them to plug-ins. Ok. Enough about that...I could type on and on about yankee candle smells but I won't! :S

Thank you to Ruth for this beautiful card and message - I will be in touch soon xxx