I'm afraid to say that today has been pretty awful.
Emotions all over the place...
Woke up happy, got up with Anthony as I was wide awake.
Had breakfast and a coffee and thought about the day ahead and the choice of things I had to do. Things felt good.
As the morning went on, it was like a fog of self doubt, anger and emptiness set in. Rain poured down outside and I just felt completely flat.
I felt so alone.
I wasn't enthusiastic about anything. I paced the house looking for inspiration. Nothing.
Physically I felt really good. My body didnt ache, at all. My mouth sores were clearing up a bit. I had slept well. Yet emotionally I wasn't free or happy to enjoy it? I would have thought that the good physical signs would be enough to set me free? Why wasn't I satisfied?
So cross with myself for feeling that way and there wasn't anything I could do to shake it.
I sat trying to sketch some pictures for canvas, wasn't happening, my passion wasn't there. I was too angry.
I thought about contacting friends, who'd want to see me like this?
Zig kept coming in and out the cat flap and amusing me with his loving nudges and walking over the laptop as I typed messages to an old school friend, Alexis.
My emotions lifted a bit after chatting to Alexis and she helped me to remember a few things. It's incredible what you forget when you are so consumed by the emotions of dealing with this.
I went upstairs and spotted the hamper from work. I decided to go through all the stuff and give it a home in my drawers. I went through it all and put the basket in the bathroom, it looks really nice. This made me feel a bit better. I'm a sorter and I like to have things in order. I got the duster and polish and did a bit of cleaning. That helped too.
Soon enough, Anthony arrived home. His big comforting smile greeting me from the front door as I looked down the stairs from the bathroom.
He came up and hugged me.
Not a good day I said.
He hugged me - it's ok to have a bad day you know babes he said.
I silently cried. Just a release.
We went downstairs together and chatted about his day, bits of my day and then had a giggle. I just wanted to be held and we cuddled for a long time. I felt so much better. I was actually smiling.
I made us a roast beef dinner and we watched a really good programme recorded from last week - Our War on BBC Three. Very moving and very well made programme. Anthony loved watching it, I can tell when he does love something a lot, he goes back and repeats little bits. He does that with films we watch together. I love it when he does that.
He just lit me some incense and brought me my chilled eye mask. How amazing is that?
Love love love love love him.
The sun is shining this evening. Funny how the weather and my mood matched today.
New day tomorrow... x
1 comment:
((((((hugs))))) sweetie. i just love how you write, i swear i can feel how you felt just by the power of your words.....when i was feeling down i used to read this (stuck to my fridge)
"i do not ask to walk smooth paths, nor bear an easy load, i pray for strength and fortitude to climb the rock strewn road, give me such courage and i can scale the hardest peaks alone, and turn each and every stumbling block into a stepping stone"
and some days are just meant for PJ's, chocolate cake and cuddles xx take care of you and keep chasing that rainbow xxxx
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