318. I'm a Summer Girl!

I mentioned on here last week how I had made some appt's at the Robert Ogden Macmillan Centre in Leeds. Today was my colour analysis and make up session. I was able to take a friend, so I asked Lucy and we met at the centre.
I wanted to be there in good time so we could have a coffee and chat a bit before hand. But time seemed to just run away from me this morning. I don't do late or last minute but I was last minute today! I couldn't function! I couldnt think which way to go and ended up going up the longest way round.. EVER! Then there was tonnes of traffic and roadworks. It's always when you're wanting to be somewhere fast eh...
Anyway, got to the centre with 5 mins to spare and saw Lucy, it was so good to see her. We've not seen each other since April and even then that was just in passing when I visited work to see everyone the day after I was diagnosed.
We both giggled loads whilst laughing about the effects of chemo together and I think we might have gotten a bit girlie-rowdy actually! Everyone was smiley about it to us :)
A lovely,friendly lady called Brenda came over and soon enough we were in our session learning about what colours suit us best - depending on skin tone, hair and eye colour...and then use that to help choose shades and colours for make up!

It was so great to be with Lucy - she's so bubbly and fun, I love listening to her and find her take on things so refreshing. We talked loads together with Brenda at the same time we learnt about which colours suited Lucy, then she had her make up done. She looked gorgeous. Lucy is an Autumn Goddess..! :-)
 After a tidy up by Brenda, it was my turn. I felt nervous staring at my reflection. Lucy and Brenda put me at ease. I was quite surprised at the colours which did suit me when compared to the others. Cool pinks, which I would never wear and a coral-y pink. Duckegg blue/green which I love. Aqua, silver/greys and soft whites. I was wearing white grey and grey/blue jeans, which was pretty good! All this means I am a Summer girl! Brenda gave me a laminated sheet with all the colours that suit me best! She also did my make up beautifully and it felt really good. It was just the tonic I needed. I thanked Brenda, she said a lot to help me and it made a big difference to my week. ;o)

Tonight I feel much better overall. It's given me a boost and I feel less bothered and focused on my insecurities as I did this morning and the previous days this week.
Having the energy to actually be OUT made the difference too. I felt a bit unsure as I drove there this morning, away from my safe haven of home. But once I was there I was fine. Seeing different things and being in different surroundings was reeeeeealllly nice. I miss Leeds too, I work in Leeds, but obviously not since March! So I don't really go there much at all at the moment.

Lucy gave me some cd's so I am going to give those a try tonight.
Also got a booklet on how to safely become more active - by Macmillan. I've yet to read it and see what it's like. I can give anyone the name of it if they need it.

I am so glad I went today. Lucy said she was glad I had too, we help each other a lot. I think she could read I wasn't great from my fb updates and stuff.
When I woke up this morning I had a big headache from a bad night's sleep and my emotions were all over. I cried and cried.. I chatted to Paula online about my worries and she really helped me, I honestly think I wouldn't have pulled myself together as much as I did if it wasn't for Paula. She has been through what I am going through, so knows how tough it can be. It makes ALL the difference to chat to someone who knows the frustrations of the treatment. xxx Thanks darling.

Looking forward to some chill out time with Anthony on Friday :)

Missing Jenny, Chris and Lola as they have gone a little holiday. Haven't seen Jen for a while now as she has been really poorly, well they all have, which is wubbish.

Lots to look forward to - including Bonfire night! Yipeeee xx
Feeling much more cheery tonight, which is goooooooooooooooooood!

317. Woah

For the first time I have properly gone back to the beginning and read some of my blog entries.
I was keen to go back and look at them, after I received a lovely email from Joel, someone who was in the same form as me at Benton Park School (secondary).
His words were so kind and friendly and made me realise and remember a lot of things I have forgotten or just accepted as present and correct.

Sometimes it takes a message like Joel's to make you stop and think a moment.
I have been guilty of giving myself a hard time these past few days (nothing new there then) and today I have bombarded my own facebook page with updates of hopelessness. My friends/support network have absolutely shone through for me and sent me messages of reminders which have also helped, just like Joel's email did. The power these messages and kind words have is incredible.

I know I am going to need some help to talk everything through in the up and coming months ahead of me. I have requested a psychologist and eventually I managed (after being brushed off by a consultant who told me I'd feel better once I got my scan, her words: 'Can we just wait?')  to get my Macmillan nurse to put a referral through now to get the ball rolling as there will be a waiting list. Sorry, but even if it is a good outcome in the scan, which the consultant says she expects it will be, I really don't feel in my mind that a good scan result will be the be all and end all of sorting out the crap in my head and all the emotional turmoil I have been through. I can feel myself slipping and I just want to make sure I am doing everything I can to help myself.

I am in a dwelling-on -things phase at the moment. I know it will pass. I will 'bounce back' ( just like Alan Partridge..! ) and become confident again.

Pam brought round some fab CD's for me today. I am going to drift off to the Mike Oldfield CD tonight. I also downloaded some relaxation stuff from the Haven website Lucy told me about.

Well, my eyes are shutting, it's time for bed me thinks. Got a nice afternoon planned tomorrow, should be feeling ok to go. night xx

316. Out of breath

A few examples of when I become uncomfortably out of breath...

changing the bed sheets
walking up the stairs
putting the washing out
emptying the bin
walking round the supermarket

This is something that is really getting me down at the moment and it's causing me to become very frustrated indeed. I am trying my best to be patient. But at times I just want to scream. I have to have rests in between doing two jobs in a row.

315. Look Catherine!

http://www.marksandspencer.com/Kirsty-Allsop-Gifts-Gifts-Her-Christmas/b/1353991031?ie=UTF8&pf_rd_r=0B1MQJC6HJF3KRYF3V6R&pf_rd_m=A2BO0OYVBKIQJM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B004FGXT8A&pf_rd_p=470877813&pf_rd_s=global-top-10
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo LOVELY

314. Recuperation, convalesence and rehabilitation

I have just been sent an amazing document. That I will probably read again and again over the next few months. Jackie emailed it to me, I met her through facebook. Her son Jamie has been through what I going through and she regularly emails and lets me get stuff off my chest to her.
This document is written by Dr Peter Harvey - a Consultant Clinical Psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospitals. It is purely about the after treatment time and is a very helpul read that has certainly given me a boost as it said everything that I am thinking, feeling and going through at the moment.
I will more that gladly share it if anyone reading this would like it emailing to them, please get in touch and I will send it on. (It's a nice, lengthy read of 9 pages on PDF)

I finished reading the document and went on the Robert Ogden Macmillan Centre, Leeds, website. I decided I need to book some things to look forward to and to help me to recover well. I have been there for my Look Good Feel Better day back in July. I have had many lovely sessions at Bradford Cancer Support, through my chemotherapy and now am looking for more therapies to experience for recovery of treatment. So I gave them a call. I spoke to a lovely lady called Sadie who booked me in. I have booked a full body massage, reiki session and a colour analysis/make up/make over session where I can take a friend and they can have it done too with me! That session is next Wednesday so it just depends on my car MOT, as it is due then. I need to call them back to confirm later today or tomorrow.

Catherine text me last night to tell me Kirstie Allsop was on Channel 4 and I am so glad she did. I recorded it and watched it early this morning. She was baking!! And entering into baking competitions. She did so well. Next week it's paper crafts. So I need to get on Sky+ and put in the series link. Marks and Spencer do a Kirstie Allsop range, I saw it this morning when I went to get some milk. They sell a beautiful sewing box and other lovely things. Hmmmm!!! :D

I want to go to a place called Scrap Magic, based in Eccleshill, but I don't have any money spare at the moment! grr.. It's so annoying being skint. Recovering from this and being so low on income sucks. It's hard to do anything - So I am just trying to make the most of all my art supplies and try convince my 'wanting to spend' bit of Liz that I have just about enough things here and I don't need anything else really! It's a hard thing to get used to when you are so used to being able to buy things and have spending and going out money. It's quite a trapping feeling - that's why I am SOOO grateful for what The Willow Foundation are doing for us. Paying for the 2 night stay and the petrol. It will be a total treat for us as we are so used to having to watch every thing that leaves our accounts.
My car MOT is due, my tax and Anthony's tax, so this month is particularly tight! Then in November my wage will stop altogether. We are going to be pulling together every penny Anthony is earning to get ourselves through this. I am in the process of filling a form for a Macmillan Grant - but whether or not I will qualify for it is another thing.
I can't stress how flipping hard it is form filling when you are coping with the effects of chemo. My Mum and Dad came over Tuesday night and Mum had to help me with some other benefit forms - when we sat down to do them I was so grateful she was there. Reading is a simple task, I just can't make head nor tail of the things written on the forms sometimes. Then writing an answer to their long winded questions. It's crazy. It's like when you call places like Job Centre Plus - no one there so far has impressed me to be totally honest. I have a phone call to make to them today or tomorrow and I am dreading it. No one has patience. To find someone who can wait and listen to me at my own speed - getting thoughts out and merely explaining my situation is a challenge! So many things like this people take for granted in their lives. I did. To have the strength to follow things up, have the knowledge and capability to fight your corner and stand up for yourself. Most of the time I end up in tears. They want to speak to me, no one else, so it's not like anyone else can do it for me.
Macmillan thankfully have been wonderful when I call them - mainly because they are specialising in Cancer and people coping with it.
I am aware of how the effects of Cancer can completely change your life. I hope my blog can shed some light on it to you how it has changed my life.
Reading that document by Dr Peter Harvey has really helped me today. Get in touch if you would like to read it - even if you are not suffering from Cancer and chemo.radiotherapy effects - I think it is a great read for my friends and family - so you can understand the rubbish I am going through and the situations I will find myself in over the next months, weeks and days of recovery.................. xx

313. Ups and downs

Emotions when dealing with something like this are just all over the place. I was so happy feeling physically better today. I managed to do jobs in the house and go the libray and cook a roast dinner! How good am I?

But then this evening, about an hour ago, from absolutely nowhere I was angry and just sat motionless, clueless, confused. Silence. Thoughts all over the place.

Anthony asked me what was wrong and all I could say was 'everything'. I couldn't pin it to just one thing. More than a handful of changes to realise. Realisation of the things I have been through and what I have done or has been done to me. Shock. Disbelief.

That hopeless feeling had returned. Hopeless feeling YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.
I was angry but it quickly turned to sadness and cried my head off into Anthony's hug.

I feel better now for crying. Silence now isn't as deafening.

It's totally rollercoaster-ish. You can physically feel hurrendous and emotionally not too bad. Then it completely switches and your body improves but your mind needs time to heal and catch up with the rest of you.
Coming back from this isn't straight forward and it's a new thing I need to learn, just like learning about chemo and it's effects and how I would react. I am learning all about recovery and how I need to be patient and expect there to be bumps in the road just like anything else.

I am thinking about my friend Lynn Hale a lot at the moment, I met Lynn online and we support each other ever such a lot. She's in hospital tonight and I know she's been in such a lot of pain.
I am also thinking about Sarajane and Lucy lots too. Hoping their effects aren't being too mean this time round. Lots of hugs xxx

As you can see I dont stop thinking. Hoping... wishing. That's just me.

319. Start2

http://www.start2.co.uk/

Start 2 change your life by watching this video. It will make you feel good. :)

318. Bit stronger today

Feeling a little bit stronger today.
After snoozing on the sofa this morning, having breakfast and catching up with trashy tv, I looked at the kitchen.
Mess. Dust. Bits. Uh.
I questioned whether or not it could wait. Did I have enough energy. Hmm.
I decided to clean - put some fab music on. My arms were killing! Just shows how much my muscles have wasted and weakened.
 So I went for 10 mins rest. Did a bit more. Rested. Did a bit, rested. What would normally take not much time at all, took a longggg time. But hey, it's nice and clean now!

I have a pile of random bits that don't have a home now, so I need to sit and sort through those.
It's beautiful outside. Lovely and sunny. I might see how I feel this afternoon, might go for a little drive if I am up to it.
I fancy getting some new bits of felt so I can start making some things from the felt book that Han bought me! Excited!

I hope the weather is like this when we go to Windermere...

Feeling more smiley today.

317. This will never fail to raise a smile

316. Eyebrows!

Woo! My eyebrows are growing back thicker! Just noticed this morning.
They are seemingly less fluffy and the hair is becoming coarser gradually! Hurray!

Lets celebrate this with some photos of big eyebrows! haha.....

315. Looney Tunes! (for Dad)

Me and Dad LOVE Looney Tunes, it's been a fave of mine since I can remember!
Here are some classics to laugh over..
Enjoy Dad!

 

More to be added when I find them!!! x

314. Thank you Catherine H

Stunning card to congratulate me on getting through chemo xxx
Will be treasured forever :]
Thank you sweetie x

Contact me

I would love to hear from you!

My email address is:

sendittolizzie@googlemail.com

Feel free to add me on Facebook

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Or Twitter

http://twitter.com/#!/wizbuf

313. Photos I LOVE, from StumbleUpon

Guaranteed to make you smile..............

312. The Lion King

This film soothes me no matter how I feel.

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba Sithi uhhmm ingonyama Ingonyama Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]
[Chant repeats]

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life




I love this film. When the film came out in '94, I had the simba soft toy. It had weighted paws and was so cute. Think my Auntie Helen bought me it.

In 2008 I went to London and saw the musical at the Lyceum Theatre. It was the most stunning thing I had ever seen and I will never forget that experience. I'd never been to London before, I loved it.
Hoping to go again soon, with Anthony this time! He wants to take me to the restaurant he ate at (many times) when he was down there working. Hmm yum!

Remember who you are....

Love it xxx

311. Surprises in the post!

Gorgeous, love it. Keeping this as my lucky charm xx Thank you Sj xx

This is a beautifully crafted wooden plaque... xx Sj really made me feel special and thought of xx Thank you darling, can't wait to meet you x

Oh Mrs Rendall... you know me sooo well.. xxxx Thank you x

Wrapped with love and creativity from Han xxx

SO cute and thoughtful xx Thank you Han x

310. The Willow Foundation

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

Got confirmation through from The Willow Foundation for our special day! We are going to Windermere, Lake District to a beautiful hotel for two nights.

We'll have our own private hot tub to relax in.. a real log fire... a beautiful room...delicious breakfasts and wonderful surroundings to go and take many photos! I can't wait. Relaxation and chill time.

They even enclosed a cheque for £100 to go towards petrol and evening meals for us! Unbelieveable. What an amazing charity......they are helping us on our journey to getting back to normal and it means so much. Thank you Willow Foundation...!

http://www.willowfoundation.org.uk/Home

https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Willow-Foundation/93648394903

309. Update on effects after chemo 12

Phew. I am exhausted!
Every little tiny thing is tiring. Dressing myself, showering, just getting about the house, I am out of breath and stumbling into things. Much to Anthony's amusement! I have to laugh too...! Aw let me tell you this... Yesterday morning we'd had breakfast in bed, I forgot about the plates on the tray that I'd moved to the floor (my memory for things like this is not good) as I stepped across the room, didnt even bother to look where I was going and I half stepped onto the plate, realised - not wanting to damage them I over compensated and dodged as much as I could so as not to put my full weight on them and then walked into the bedroom door, I am giggling away as type! I nearly squashed Zig! Anthony just creased up laughing and shook his head. Then I couldnt stop laughing. So clumsy. Chemo does crazy things to your body.
The amount of drinks I have knocked over in the last 8 months. AND Jenny was laughing about this the other day - EVERY time I get a Costa to take out, I spill it! I might as well ask for half a cup when I go in!

I had chemo 11 in my left hand and even now it is still bruised, battered and swollen. My vein going down my wrist is soooo tender, it's unbelievable how much pain it gives me if I catch it - and I do BECAUSE I am so clumsy! hah!
Chemo 12 was therefore put in my right hand but that's not reacted as badly this time, I think because the nurse got a really good vein.

My legs and arms are doing the nerve aches again, at the same time in the week as after other chemo's. It really is like when you get stretchy legs on a plane or in the car, but with a dull ache of really bad flu. It's a heavy feeling that just lingers and at it's worst I am writhing about in pain. Oramorph helps a lot.

My circulation isn't what it used to be and I get really cold feet now. Wonder if that will improve?

My eyes have still got the chemo dark circle look. Panda eyes, effectively. The skin looks stained dark. This does go - but this time it's lingering longer, maybe just all the build up after so many sessions.

My stomach is still really swollen and when it's playing up on top of being swollen, I look pregnant. It's really uncomfortable. But this also will subside, as it has done in previous weeks ready for when I go for the next session.

This time round, the last time, things just seem to be dragging so much! Everyone is bopping about excited for me, which is so lovely, it really is, but things aren't at that level for me JUST yet. It's about patience, I know. Normally I am pretty patient, but with this, it's been the hardest thing ever, and I just want my body back and it to not be as battered and bruised. All over there is evidence.
When I can feel things lifting I will be bopping and not so 'meh' about it.

Aw yeah, cold sores!! I have never been one to suffer - but oh my word, have I got the most painful one on my lip, right in the middle. OW! I know how painful they can be now. Never had a clue before. At the weekend it was really swollen and sore. It seems to be easing now, with various creams and things I have. Most people know me to have a Mary Poppins bag and I always have some sort of remedy for any problem..! Liz'll have somet!

It's a relief to have Anthony home. He's back in the factory at work, not London. We had such a good weekend together. Being at home, in the garden and just time together doing nothing!!
Last night we put Flight of the Navigator on, again, and just sat taking the mick and laughing at classic bits and being us. Love that film and the soundtrack (when don't I love soundtracks?)

We went down to Jenny's first thing on Saturday morning to see Lola open her birthday presents. Seeing her face as she opened each one was really special. She was so cute and funny, she knew one of her presents was a chair before she even ripped open the wrapping paper! There was no way of knowing by the way it was wrapped... so clever! It was a special, family morning all together, felt just like Christmas! And Lola liked the homemade presents we gave her too! :)
I now have 2 orders from Jen's mum for the name board like Lola's so that will keep me busy and smiley in the next few weeks.

Anthony has a new car, a Vectra. It's great. A lot cheaper to run, on parts, diesel, insurance and tax. He was sorry to see his pride and joy 306 go, had some great times going to car shows and road trips together, but as Anthony had said when he decided, it had to go... :(
It was getting silly money and especially at the moment, with money being tight, it was the right time to sell it. It's really comfy inside and luxurious :) Happy!

Well... I think that's generally the update for now. I am going to have a coffee now - HEY! THAT'S IT! I CAN ENJOY COFFEE NOW, NO MORE CHEMO TASTE IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's a positive! xxxx

much love xx

308. Liz's creative makes

Card for Lola :)

Bean bags 0 - 10 - absolutely loved making these, really fun to make and so much time spent smiling...

Special drawstring bag for the bean bags - fully lined with applique flower... love it!

Bean bags and drawstring bag together

This was the first thing I wanted to make - really simple and effective applique design. I have some orders already... let me know if you'd like one, great pressies for anyone of any age.. can be tailored to ages...

A toy bunny I made for Lola's 2nd birthday... Slightly more complex to make, but still fun!

My own idea on the back added ...

307. At the moment..(winge time)

At the moment....

I wear comfies all the time and feel like a slob. I can't wait for the day when I can go and buy a pair of beautiful jeans in the size I am happy with and a pair of boots or sexy shoes and wear them with pride and feel amazing.
I want to feel great in my own skin. To wear that black swimming costume to the pool and be proud of the body I had before this happened. I wasn't proud before. I should have been. This experience has taught me so much. I am me.

I have a cold wet chemo tongue in my head that brings an awful taste to my mouth. One which you wouldn't believe affects how you feel generally! Everything makes me burp and feel icky. The skin on my bones hurts to touch. My forehead, cheeks, jaw, neck, shoulders. It's the last time I will feel like this. These side effects have arrived later this time and have almost tricked me into thinking they wouldn't happen. So tonight I am peeved.

I have no idea what all the answers are to my recovery. I don't know how long it will take. How long it will take me to improve. When they will scan me, if they will scan me - they might not because I was told my results were clear halfway through. I know I really want a scan so I can move on. Oct 17th I have a clinic appt to find out more information from my consultant.

********

Just had a lovely chat with Anthony. He's having a busy time working in London.
Always feel better for chatting to him. Love him to bits. xx

306. Recovery research from Macmillan site

After your chemotherapy has finished you will have regular check-ups and possibly scans or x-rays. These will probably continue for several years.

If you have any problems, or notice any new symptoms in between your appointments, let your doctor know as soon as possible.
Many people find that they get very anxious before their appointments. This is natural and it may help to get support from family, friends or a support organisation| during this time.
When your treatment is finished, you may feel it's time to get back to normal. However, this can sometimes be one of the hardest times to cope with. Recovery times vary and no one can say for sure how long it should take to get over the treatment and its effects.
The end of the visits to hospital for treatment can leave you feeling like you're on your own. Many people find that they feel very low and emotional at this time, when they had expected to be able to put the cancer and the treatment behind them. This may be the time when you need the most support. Support is available if you would like it.
For people whose treatment is over apart from regular check-ups, our section on adjusting to life after cancer| gives useful advice.

305. Monday, is it?

Woke up at 1am and came downstairs, watched tv, snoozed til 4.30. Anthony was due up at 5am to go to London. Made him coffee and toast.
I have had ear pain through the night and this morning, but so far, it's managable with a bit of pain relief. Ooooh, it feels lovely to be able to type that!
I snoozed for an hour to Tom and Jerry on dvd! That felt good too.
I have just been finishing a few art and craft bits and had some lunch.
Dad's picking me up after work and I'll have some tea with them this evening.
Poor Zig is all over the place, he hates this weather, partic the wind. He just looks so unimpressed! He's drying off upstairs. Earlier, he tried drying off literally on my chest, under my chin again! Crazy kitty cat.

Anthony's arrived in London safe and we'll chat tonight probs.

Had another smoothie, inspired by Lucy! Hmmmm Yum! Strawberry, a strawberry activia, peach and kiwi. Then jacket potato, ham, salad, cottage cheese. Trying to drink water lots more. Slowly....!

I'm going for a nap now, before my lift arrives.

Just want to add my photo from when I went to chemo, so you can see my hair close up..

Getting there!! Each day it looks different. With my little natural spikey mohawk! I can't flatten it.! It's growing in funky patterns all over...

Me today. Smiley strong day! xx

304. Timeline of photos...

Photographs documenting my physical changes...

Starting with this one, November 2010, around the time when I found the lump in my neck.

Just before starting Chemo

Anthony shaving my hair off

Freshly shaved... full eyebrows, no steroid cheeks yet...

The rest of these photos show the changes in my face and hair as I go along my chemo journey....

Ups and downs.... sleeps and smiles....

June 2011
Nervous about my first social event at a party since being like this...
the night i met Jenny :)

July 2011
after my Look Good Feel Better workshop

A day where i was struggling but still trying to smile!!

The photo where i think i look the most cancer-y

this one too. cancer-y.... a dark day.....

just been to buy plants, happy giddy liz...

most recent photo - 23rd Sept
hair growing back even before final chemo session (which took place on 6th october)

I wanted to share these with you all. Feel it's important.

xxx